As Time Goes By

I've had a rush of feelings over the past two weeks. Relief, pain, disappointment, joy, frustration...I could continue but instead let me start.

Once I was on the operating table, opened up, the doctor realized the tumor was not where he thought it was and things took a complicated twist. A urologist was called in to assist him with the removal and things went well.

As I lay in the hospital bed, loopy from the morphine, I was astounded by the number of my students that came to see me. They were not afraid only curious and gentle. Their parents were kind and comforting to them as well as me. My family came often and we were all overjoyed when the pathology report came back clean - Aah, relief!

Then came the pain as I began to have a severe reaction to the morphine. The headache was unbearable and I could keep no food down, my temperature began to rise, and fear set in for Warren because he lost a dear friend just the week before who died from complications following a simple routine surgery--she to had all of my symptoms and he was frightened...During this time I remember my friend Tom coming in to see me. I remember pain on his face and he seemed preoccupied, rushed, anxious...I wanted to comfort him and ask what was wrong, but my mind just wouldn't let my lips form the words.

There was joy when I got better and was able to come home and the healing process has been slow, painful, and frustrating. I can't figure out what I do that makes me feel so bad the next day. There is no pattern so I don't know what to avoid doing. Often is seems that doing nothing is eventually as painful as doing everything...

And this is where this story ends now as my words have upset far too many people!

Here I sit

And I wait...I have not slept in two days...I'm anxious, but not scared. I will leave for the hospital in an hour to have what was one tumor removed...but instead there are two. One is larger than a base ball, the other a ping-pong ball.

I tried my best to explain to my dear students what would happen today, I don't know how much they understood except that I will have two scares that look much like the ones several of them have from their various operations.

My family is good. Warren will be at my bed side and tend to my needs. This is a huge sacrifice for him. It will be difficult for me to let him take care of me - big role reversal here. Megan is very clingy and openly nervous (although she has promised to smuggle in a frosty for me tonight). And Mandy.... is in denial. She is the quiet one. Scared. Won't talk. The one I worry about the most.

And where is God? Right here sitting next to me. I haven't "prayed" Father blah, blah, blah. I've talked. To my Daddy.

"Daddy, I'm scared"
I know, you should be.
"it's going to hurt"
Yep
"I know I'll be OK"
Yes, you will sweetie. Here hold my hand.
"Daddy I can't sleep"
I know
"You'll go with me, right?"
I be right there the whole time. Come her my baby, lay your head on my lap and rest.
"I love you Daddy"
I know. I love you too my child.

This is peace. I love my Daddy. Just just like I can't fully remove my children's apprehension over the various events of their lives, neither can He. He does what I do for them and for Warren. Be quite. be calm. stroke their hair and scratch their back. The comfort of touch.

My Heavenly father is sitting here beside me know. I feel his presence. His hand is upon my back. He is going to wipe away my tears shortly. The He will lead me to the operating room where He will sit with me and care for me. When I come out He will enter into my husband and be his strength. I love my God, my Daddy, my family. Life is good even now.